Employee Retention & Other Myths

Over the past few months, I have come across this  business quote over and over again, on various social media channels.
While I was among those who applauded the apparent wit behind it and found myself relating to it, both as a business owner and as someone who spent 13 years in the corporate environment, I must admit I have grown tired of seeing it over and over. The reason is perhaps related to the fact that it oversimplifies the issue of employee retention while falling into abstract stereotypes of corporate roles. It is just too simplistic, too shallow as an assumption; so bear with me a bit here and allow me to dive more into what employees I would not want to retain and why.

Employees and managers come in all shapes and sizes and they walk into the corporate environment pre-molded by their education, their cultural background, their family upbringing, their past experiences in life and work and their own expectations for the future. For any setup, retaining an employee is a delicate balance between all these factors along with the mandatory needs of the business itself.
It is for this very reason that we can sometimes discover employees who stick around with the same employer for years without any getting human development benefits while others would walk away in spite of huge perks. So how to tell if your employee is a match for your leadership style and whether they are in it for the long run?
Here is my own personal list of things to watch for. I am not an HR expert and this list is based on my experience, my gut feeling and years of being disappointed by both employers and employees alike. Here are the people I would not want around me in my business environment:

• The Acute Politeness: Exaggerated politeness is for me an immediate red flag. Email signatures with expressions like "Respectfully yours" and other sugar coatings are just someone who is trying to make themselves seem small and vulnerable enough so they get away with something way bigger, like stealing your client's website for example and reselling it to someone after a quick make-up job.
    
• Buddy Buddy:
  Pretty much like the acute polite person, this one has no boundaries, they think that by cozying up to management folk, they can gain some sort of immunity to actually having to do the job they were hired for. It's an equal opportunity cross-gender syndrome, and those who fall for this tactic are way too many, unfortunately.
     
• The Collector:
  If you ask to take on every project that passes under your nose or if you make a purpose of not missing a training and you act always like you are racing the clock to do as many things as possible, this will make me think you are just passing by the company and looking to gather as much momentum as you can before you leap onto your next stop.
     
• The Office Decoration:
  If I can't tell you apart from the Dieffenbachia that's sitting next to your desk you might as well go find another place to work. People who succeed in staying that inconspicuous are in my book either not skilled enough and prefer to keep this under wraps or sneakily planning to do something you would never see coming.
     
• Little Miss Precious:
  My use of the word "Miss" here is not directed towards women. This title is unisex. If you are too precious to move your sorry a..arm, arm...yes that's the word I was looking for, then you probably belong on a shelf, in a closet, in your parents' living room with all the rest of the kitsch collectibles they probably have lined up in there.
     
• George Costanza: if you don't know who's that, google him. If you want to know why, watch this:
  
  

However, subordinates aren't always the ones to blame, even for managers and high level executives misconceptions rule and appearances can be deceiving:
The Marketing Manager is not always a show off , the CTO isn't always right, the HR Manager is not always nice, the CFO is not always stingy and the CEO is not always the champion.

Bottom line, no one is irreplaceable! Not the employee, not the manager and not the business, we all go our separate ways in life and try to find the perfect angle where our view of the world aligns with how we have grown comfortable seeing it. Go ahead, Instagram that!

Pay Up Or Shut Up

I challenge you all!

Yes, I dare you to produce a business owner or manager in Lebanon, that does not consistently complain about cash liquidity, bad paying customers, and the endless list of excuses that these customers are able to come up with to simply avoid settling their dues.

Not paying on time (or even at all) has become a national sport to the point where one may suggest it even deserves its own federation.

Think about it:
The Federation of Accounts Outstanding.
It has a ring to it, a "je ne sais quoi" of a financial version of "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" only more sordid. I am also even sure we would be entitled to follow on TV the never-ending politically motivated squabbles when they decide to elect their board *cough*FLB*cough*.

Although a handful of businesses still maintain a healthy reputation for settling their dues, a mix of a degrading economical situation, lack of swift actions by the judicial system, and a very individualistic non-team-playing pop culture has made this a trademark of today's Lebanese business scene.

This quote by the very talented Ted Danson's character Dr John Becker from the comedy sitcom Becker illustrate our predicament in this country:" That's the problem with the world, everybody says "Everybody does it," so everybody does it!"

I am assuming that there are enough scientific studies to prove that if everybody did pay their dues, everyone would end up with more money to spare eventually. "Money begets money" as the proverb goes ( I will refrain from using the second half of the Lebanese version of the proverb goes)

Anyway, what better way to illustrate this other than by giving you examples of the ingenious payment-evasive skills of your average Lebanese business owner:

Location Based/ Absence Related Excuses:

• The CEO/CFO/Accountant  is out of office/town/country/universe (sick, leave, divorce, marriage...etc)
• Your account manager is on maternity leave; she was handling your papers
• I am talking to you while roaming. I will sign the check once I am back in Lebanon.
• I am back in Lebanon, but I did not go to the office yet.
• I am not currently at my desk. Call me again tomorrow.

Misplacement Of Items

• We cannot find your invoice, please send us a copy again.
• We cannot find the checkbook (variant: The checkbook is finished, we need to get a new one)
• We cannot find the signed check. We will have to issue a new one.

Administrative Delays

• The management did not yet approve the payment (no reasons given)
• The check is being prepared (I can never tell if they are actually designing & printing the check or if they have someone who writes r.e.a.a.a.a.a.a.l.l.y slow)
• The check has been signed by one person, we are waiting for the second signature.
• The check has been signed, but I am not authorized to hand it to you yet.
• The check is in the safe. The manager has the combination and is not here today.
• I am too busy right now, I cannot verify if the check has been made out (usually comes with multiple mouse click sounds associated with minesweeper or solitaire)
• The check is issued by the main office outside Lebanon. We need to send them an email reminder for them to mail it in to us.
• We just implemented a new policy that dictates that payment is done 45 days after the invoice. Yes, the policy was not in place when you invoiced us, but we have to implement it now.

The list can go on and on, with a multitude of variants on these all-too-blatant basic excuses, but at the center of the matter lies a much bigger malaise. We take everything for granted: Our parents, our children, our friends, our loved one(s) and eventually our business contacts. The way we do business reflects who we are as a society: self-centered, distrustful, short-sighted, ego-bloated and eventually tragicomical. 

Long live the Joie de Vivre!