If Magazine Covers Were Honest

I almost never buy any magazines, aside from the Smash Hits & Photos magazines I bought as a teenager, my only encounters with magazines are at doctors' clinics and when they run TV ads citing their headlines. This has not stopped me from being highly admirative of the amount of bullshit that these magazines can dish out, especially in their titles a.k.a the ancestors of clickbait.

I conceived this cover a couple of days ago as an attempt at satire, based on first-hand experienc with the topics I chose to highlight. Many people picked-up on the gest of it but others were not on the same frequency and asked me to explain. So here goes nothing:

Mashrou' Leila: This highly overrated and barely audible Lebanese band rose to international fame by using the openly gay card of their lead singer, thus creating controversy in a region not receptive to such a public declaration. Their die hard fans usually accuse their critics of being homophobic to suppress the fact that their sound closely resembles that of a squeaking door.

Facebook Posts: In these tumultuous times that we live in, where the world seems to implode on itself, with a war raging next door, refugees flooding the country and other continents, and a general malaise swarming up globally, one cannot escape the numerous "humanitarian" status updates by individuals who claim to support or defend a good cause but who in fact use a passive-aggressive approach to advance their political views at the expense of those who are actually suffering.

Freebies: I don't need to explain this much, as it's become public knowledge the amount of bloggers who just echo promo material offered by brands or agencies. Some of them still hide behind their finger (ironically so), others are just outright shameless about it. Of course it's fine if a blogger monetizes their presence, just make sure you still offer valuable content not just act as a billboard, because we're on to you...yes, you...you know who you are!

Brexit Nightlife: That's basically putting a buzzword which is trending now (Brexit) with another buzzword which seems the only thing going for us in Lebanon since the end of the civil war. Who would not want to know more how a Brexit is going to help the Lebanese nightlife? Woohoo Lebanese F***ing Joie de Vivre baby!

So folks, scurry along now and don't forget to pick up your edition before it runs out...it's selling like hotcakes!

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Internet Humblebrag: When You’re On A Last Name Basis… On Twitter

The name is: Chemali... @Chemali ...in its majesty's service, and by its majesty I mean Twitter.

For those of you who have no clue what twitter is and how nauseating  it is to be back in high-school with a lot of cool kids and wanna be divas, that must have sounded like a total gibberish. But for the few well versed in the art of 140 character essays, I am sure you are probably already nodding in approval or shaking your head in dismay (some cultural differences in body language  may apply)

I still surprise myself sometimes thinking about the huge responsibility that I have taken upon my shoulders when I committed to using @chemali as my twitter handle back in April 2009.
What cosmic power gives me the right to assume ownership the name that so many carry through generations? Will I be up to the responsibility? What do other Chemali family members feel when they try to get the same handle as they make their baby steps onto twitter and discover that I have already nabbed that one. How much negative karma do they send my way?

Sure, I might be tucked away safely behind a name that no one ever will coerce me into giving away, like what would have happened to accounts such as @FBI or @CIA since they are US based government entities, but in today's regressing world into tribalism, what assurance do I have that the Chemalis won't spawn an organism powerful enough to threaten my existence in order to acquire an official voice?

My only solace is in the possibility of an alternate spelling to my last name. Statistics have shown that 62.3% of people whose last names are "شمالي" (which means litterally Northener in Arabic) are taught at school that their name should be spelled with a Y at the end in the latin form, thus: Chemaly.
Further statistics have revealed that 84% of population will accept both written forms this including banks and some official institutions in the Middle East, so please anyone out there...go pick on the owner of the other account i.e Chemaly.

Finally, I would like to send some non-tungstene light to @Fida Chaaban without whom this piece would have not been possible. Thank you for providing me the motive and the inspiration for this introspection I badly needed, through your article published today:  Internet Street Cred: When You’re On A First Name Basis… On Twitter

The League of Extraordinary Hikers

This Picture is not watermarked.
Apparently it did not require too much hopping around

I make it no secret that I am huge fan of outdoors and hiking trips in Lebanon's beautiful mountainous regions. The great outdoors are sadly one of few things left that set this tiny piece of land apart from its surroundings. Unfortunately, this is changing towards the worst fairly quickly. The amount of forest-covered areas in Lebanon has radically dwindled by 35% in the last 40 years and I expect things to get even worse, but that's a whole different ball game from what I am about to discuss here. Right now I want to talk about something far less depressing.

Part of the joys, and often grievances, I have with going hiking with groups are the different characters you end up meeting. Most of them are usually entertaining, quirky and harmless. A few can however really drain the pleasure out of the entire trip to the point that it would take me a few weeks to join another outing.

They say "Sharing is Caring", and I since do care about the few persons that actually decide to kill-off valuable time they have, to actually read my musings, allow me to present:

The League of Extraordinary Hikers

A unique unmatched group of individuals with superhuman capabilities who have dedicated their entire existence to perfecting the art of going on group hikes. Who are these mysterious members of this secretive leagues. Their secret identities remain anonymous but the public knows them by their superhiker names...behold:

1. The Mountain Goat
   The hiker known as such possesses great climbing capabilities that cross human skill level into the realm where only goats excel. The Mountain Goat Hiker needs no guide, and will often start off barefoot his or her separate trail alongside the official trail that everybody is following crossing back in forth using time warp techniques. Occasionally, they may realize they just ended up in the middle of nowhere and fall back in the ranks until they reach the bus.
    
   
2. The PhotograHopper
   First, there were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but that was just for fun. The PhotograHopper is a breed that surfaced mostly thanks to digital photography. They will stop at every corner, climb rocks, slide down slopes and do ballerina poses just to grab a picture of an oak tree leaf. They are often recognized by the watermark added to the photos before being shared on social media channels. It's only normal that, with so much effort being put into these pieces of art, one would need to protect them from someone who would want to claim credit for that chamomile flower shot.
       
3. The Eternally Dieting Hiker
   This breed of hikers joins the group seeking regular workouts in hope of intensifying their metabolic burn. They are often the most perseverant and rarely miss a weekend outing. They are usually recognized by their selection of special food, specially chosen to survive the hike and the sun, such as: Classic Pizza, Lebanese Thyme Bread (منقوشة),  Muffins, Croissant and to wash it all down a Diet soda of some sort. They posess polymorphic powers that make them appear 4 to 5 kilos heavier from one week to the next. Their motto: "I'm dieting all week, I need to eat while hiking or I will collapse"
    
4. The Bleeding Feet Fashionista 
   Nowhere does it say that if you are going to walk on a trail made of a dirt road for 15 kilometers through thorn bushes, mud stretches, water streams, rocks,  rock splinters, slippery stones, unstable slippery gravel on mud with streams going over them, you can't wear your favorite Birkenstock, Converse, Lacoste or, what the heck, a pair of red soled Louboutins. Nowhere!
   (actually it's written in every event brochure that you need to get professional shoes but who reads that s%#^t anyway)
    
5. The Mating Call Hiker
   If you have ever watched The National Geographic Channel, then you probably already know that in the wild, many animals use specific sounds to attract a partner of the opposite gender for the purpose of ensuring the survival of the species. This has been dubbed by scientists as The Mating Call. No different from other creatures the hiker may emit certain sounds on a hike to attract any potential mate from the hiker sub-species. Some of these sounds may be familiar to the untrained ear and referred to in plain English as: giggles, loud squeaky laughs as well as very loud conversations about gym workouts and associated food supplements.
     
6. The Earphones Nightingale 
   The nightingale is a tiny bird very well known for its amazing song. It is that very same melody that this hiker believes him/herself to be generating when they shove the earphones of their music streaming device into their ears, crank up the volume and start singing along in what seems, to the rest of us in their vicinity, like some sacred chant in Elvish and other Middle Earth languages. Some theories suggest that the Earphone Nightingale may be a sub-group of the Eternally Dieting Hiker family, trying to hear themselves lose weight as they walk.
      
7. The Laundry Soap Ad Hikers
   I have always been amazed at how Laundry detergent commercials can always address, expose and resolve life's most challenging conundrums within 30 seconds. It's like the answers was always in front of our eyes but we were just too blinded (by dirt) to see it. Now take that same deep philosophical exercise multiply it by 5 at least and loop it over a 5 hour hike. You've just met the Laundry Soap Ad Hikers and not even a musical commercial by Rahbani Brothers can remove this stain.
    
8. The Omniscient Hiker
   Each outfit needs its Professor Xavier. The brain of the operation, the data bank of all hiking knowledge. That person is always there waiting for someone, anyone to ask a question any question.
   Asking "what's the time?" will lead you to a whole explanation on how you can tell time on the hike even if you did not have a watch or a phone, even at night, in a cave...underwater...The only person who is imprevious to the powers of the Omniscient Hiker  is The Earphones Nightingale